Labor Of Love

It was only 3 years ago today I was at the beginning stages of labor with our angel Grace. I was full of mixed emotions. I couldn't wait to hold her. Who would she look like? I held on to hope that the doctors were all wrong. They had to be. She was my perfect baby girl. I followed all the rules. I didn't do drugs or drink. I wanted her so badly before she was ever conceived. I knew the day I took the test she was going to be a she. I had a name picked out for her already. Ava Elizabeth. Ava for my initials, and Elizabeth after my mother. All was right in our world when I saw that perfect positive pregnancy test. The induction started at 4:30 P.M. This was it. They told me I wouldn't make it to 30 weeks and here we were at 38. She was still alive and kicking me. Rolling around as if nothing was wrong. I didn't want it to end. I labored for 22 hours total over the course of 2 days. Stopping the pitocin for the night to sleep. I still remember the lady in the next room screaming for "God" to make the pain stop. I wanted to go over there and tell her to shut up. Stop complaining. At least when the pain is gone you will have your beautiful baby. You will get to take him home and watch him grow. Just. Shut. UP! They kept threatening me with a c-section. Not me lady! You can take your c-section and shove it. I think I will be left with enough emotional scaring to last a lifetime. I don't need you to leave a visable one too. I knew I could do it. I gave birth to a 9lb 4.5oz baby, I can give birth to a baby with a big head. Just go away and leave me alone. They started my induction the next day at 8 A.M. They wanted to start it sooner but I just needed some time. Just a little bit longer to feel her alive inside me. I finally got the epidural at noon. They told me I could have it any time I wanted, but I wanted to do it as much as I could without any meds. It took me all day to progress to 9 cm. I started feeling pressure down there like I was shitting myself. I tried to tell the nurse but she blew me off. Bitch. Said that I had the epidural and I shouldn't be feeling anything. Give me a break. Is she for real? I finally got the guts to ask Rich to check if I was really shitting myself. I can't even take one in front of him at home, but I was scared that I really was losing control of my bowels. He assured me nothing was there. More and more I felt pressure and now contractions. I took it upon myself to push once with each one I felt. Probably not the best idea but my nurse wasn't listening so I didn't care. After 3 pushes I reached down to feel if anything was coming out. OMG, she was. I asked Rich to come look to see what it was. The look of terror on his face was my answer. I hit the nurse call button. "Can I help you?" She replied. "YEA I NEED A DR NOW, I THINK SHE'S COMING OUT!" Within seconds you could hear loud foot steps racing down the hall. "Yep, she's coming!" The doctor assured me. Well no shit! Not only was she coming, she was coming with the bag of water still in tack. YIKES! They broke the water, one push, and here she was. The moment we had waited for. Grace Elizabeth was born. I decided to name her Grace because thats exactly what she was. That is what she brought to our family. Grace. She didn't cry at first. I wondered if she was even alive. They told me she was. Rich mouthed the words, "She's beautiful" to me from the warmer. Still no cry. I felt a little panic. I kept asking why she wasn't crying. She was not doing well. Her breathing was stalling. Her air way was so tiny. She only had one nostrill trying to do the job of 2. She finally cried out because she was hurting. She wasn't getting enough air and it was slowly killing her. I didn't want any sort of interventions for her. I wanted her to go peacefully with dignity. They left her with us to spend time alone as a family. I fell asleep around 1 A.M. Daddy held her and talked to her. She took her final breath at 1:46 A.M. on October 26th, 2005. She died in the arms of her daddy. Letting her go was no as hard as it may seem. I had 4 months to prepare. It was a lot harder on Rich. He had only had 4 hours to hold her. I had 9 months. We went home the next day. I walked in to the hospital with a baby, and I walked out without her. I was prepared for her to die. I was not ready to live without her.

I often wonder if Gracie and Josslyn are the same. I sometimes wonder if Gracie had to die so that we may have our Jacob. Had she been a normal healthy baby girl we would have no had any more children. Hence, no Jacob. Oh how he has brought so much joy into our lives. I truely feel like she had to go so that we could have our Jacob. I feel like she came back, and she's here in her baby sister, Josslyn.



R.I.P baby girl. We love you always. Happy Birthday.